Love over Taboo: Teaching Your Teen to Say No to Unwanted Sex
Listen… fact of the matter is that most teenagers want to lose their V-card as soon as they can – whether or not they’re actually interested in sex. There’s a mystery and appeal when it comes to sex… and the whole draw of doing what you think you oughtn’t do. Regardless of the reasons and motivations, your teen daughter likely has sex on her mind.
But that doesn’t always mean she’s actually ready for it. As much as she wants to lose that card, she’s also filled with dread over it. Is it going to hurt? Will she bleed? Does she really want to do it? Her boyfriend wants to… but does she? Add to the confusion the fact that it’s hard to say no to someone she really likes, and now she really has a dilemma on her hands. Besides, what will all the other kids say if they find out she wouldn’t give it up? The pressure to have sex can be insurmountable. It’s our job to equip her with the tools she needs to confidently say no and mean it, if she’s decided that she wants to wait it out.
If you’ve already had the sex talk, congrats! If not, now is the time if you want your daughters to make informed decisions that are healthy, safe, and right for them. Our teens are growing up with the influence of reality shows and 24/7 media that promote and glamorize sex, especially the type where the pleasure is a one-way street instead of an act of mutual satisfaction. If your view of sex veers from the gender politics of female pleasuring male and you think the first time should be something she enjoys as well, have an honest and mature conversation about sex.
This is not the time for scare tactics and pounding in STD rates. By this age, she has already learned that through you, and through her school. If your daughter is of mature age, and you actually want her to appreciate what you have to say about the inevitable, make it an opportunity to talk about love – both love for herself, and for her boyfriend. Acknowledging that sex is a healthy expression – but one that should be meaningful – is your best chance of helping her decide when she chooses to give that V-card away.
Girl Likes Boy, Boy Wants Sex
Practically every teenage boy thinks about and wants sex – but not all of them want a relationship, just the easiest path to lose that V-card. Girls, for the most part, want the attention of boys and want a relationship – one that is meaningful, monogamous, and mutually satisfying.
Unfortunately, our society is telling them sexual favors is the surefire way to get the attention of boys; but it won’t always come with the relationship they desire. It can be extremely difficult to resist the pressure of a boy’s pleading or the group pressure when they’re playing new versions of spin the bottle.
Choosing to have sex is ultimately a decision your daughter is going to make. Teaching her about the meaning behind love and love-making will empower your girl before she encounters these situations. If she understands that it’s something special – rather than something taboo – she’ll be more likely to make a meaningful decision for herself.
No Means No
No means no, but it sure is hard to say when you really like someone. Let’s be fair. The pressure to engage in sexual activity comes from boys and girls. Girls are most likely to feel pressured by boys and boys are egged on by other boys to have sex to “be a man.” Of course, any girl that is interested can unknowingly push him as well.
We have to instill in our daughters’ minds that it’s okay to say no, if they aren’t ready or don’t feel comfortable in a situation that could lead to unwanted sex. When she’s in the heat of the moment, logical thinking may take a back seat, so if she’s rehearsed some key phrases, she can pull them out with confidence when the time arrives.
Memorize Your Lines
When an actor spends time rehearsing his/her lines, it feels more comfortable and the performance is believable. Your daughter may not feel comfortable just saying, “No,” so it may be helpful to think of reasons for saying no and explain them to the boyfriend. Remind your daughter that she needs to be clear in her communications. “I’m not sure…” from a girl can mean “I just need to be convinced some more before I say yes.”
If the pressure feels threatening, come up with a plan like excusing herself to use the bathroom. From there, she can text you or someone she trusts to come pick her up. It’s sometimes scary to think your little girl is growing up and may be sexually active but if you show her unconditional love and don’t go crazy when she tells you things of a sexual nature, she’ll be more likely to keep sharing with you, and make wise decisions for herself.
How will you teach your daughter to stick to her guns if the moment’s not right?